DAMNITOL, Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT, Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN,
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the
memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO, Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.
DUMBEROL, When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR,
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.
PENISCILLIN,
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines
as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA,
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL,
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so
severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book
by Dr. Laura.
JACKASSPIRIN,
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT,
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN,
More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache" syndrome.
