My wife said to me, "Walter, it is about time you learned to play golf, you know." Golf - that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So I went to see Jones and ask him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure - you've got balls, haven't you?" I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the club house tomorrow," he said, "and we will tee off." "What's tee off?" I asked. "It's a golf term, we have to tee off in front of the club house." he explained. "Not for me," I said, "you can tee off there if you want to, but I'll tee off behind a barn somewhere." "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." he said. "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground." "What!" I exclaimed. "Yes," he said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do," he said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee." Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far and I said so. He said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?" "Sure." I said. He said "Your balls are in the bag, aren't they?" - "Of course." I told him. "Well, can't you open the bag and take one of your balls out?" he said. I said "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to." He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him "No, I'm the old fashioned type." Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after twentyeight years I should have some sort of idea, and I told him so. He said "You take your club in both hands," - folks, I knew then he didn't know what he was talking about - "and swing it over your shoulder." "No, no, that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about." He asked me, "How do you hold your club?" and - before I thought I said in two fingers and none of your damned business. He said "That isn't right" and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he'd show me how. He couldn't catch me that though - I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing. He said "You hit your ball and it will soar and soar." I said "I could well imagine." Then he said "And you are on the green." "What's the green?" I asked. "That's where the hole is." he said. "Sure you are hot color blind?" I asked. "No! Then you take your putter." "What's a putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made." "That's what I've got, it's a putter." "And with it" he said "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected "You mean the putter?" "No" he said, "the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter both." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. Then he said "After you made the first hole, you go to the next 17." He wasn't talking to me! After two holes, I'm about shot to hell. "You mean, you can't make 18 holes in one day? Hell no, it takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I'm in the 18th hole?" "The flag will be up" he said. JUST MY LUCK.
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