Dog dictionary

a. Toilet bowl: A heavenly dispenser of nice, fresh water. b. Hearing: A variable skill. Its intensity depends on whether it applies to a fridge door opening half a mile away behind three closed doors, or whether your own name is being shouted in an angry way or in a way that threatens Vet (see Vet). c. Garbage bin/bag: Source of food. Spread contents over as wide an area as possible. d. Drooling: When humans are eating, drooling can be a very effective food-producing skill. For best results, drool must be gotten onto the humans’ trousers/skirt. Use also for fun – when driving in a car with humans, place head between two humans in the front seat. Drool gently and in great volume on their arms/shoulders. Rejoice at effects. e. Resting place: Anything, really. White, freshly vacuumed surfaces with good capacity for getting hair stuck to it are best. f. Sofa: See resting place. Also serves as napkin after particularly satisfying meals (see Roadkill). g. Vet: Satan, the Destroyer of Worlds, Bringer of Woe, Remover of Testicles. h. Leash: A device allowing you to lead your human to a place you desire. Excellent for muscle-building exercise. i. Bicycle: Very good cardio equipment. If you find the exercise/the rider too slow for you, you can increase its speed by running even closer to the vehicle and barking. It will pick up its pace very satisfyingly. j. Fireworks: A sure sign that the world as we know it is coming to an end and the reign of Vets (see Vet) is beginning. k. Sniffing: A polite way of showing interest in the creature you are meeting. With dogs, rectal area is best. When meeting humans, sniff the crotch. l. Roadkill: One of the most universal items you can find. Can be used as food, deodorant or toy.

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