How do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream.
How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of carnies?
Go for the juggler.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Guy 1: Somebody said you sounded like an owl.
Guy 2: Who?
Conjunctivitis.com... now that's a site for sore eyes.
I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?
He had to work it out with a pencil (a #2 pencil, naturally).
How to you wake Lady Gaga?
Poke her face.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Well, anyone can roast beef.
I once farted in an elevator, which was wrong on so many levels.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little Nazis.
Why did the behavioralist cross the road?
It doesn't matter.
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Where were potatoes first fried?
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because it has a silent pee.
What do you do when your nose is on strike?
What happens if life gives you melons?
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat. The bartender says "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel?" The pirate replied "Arr, I got a bounty on me head!"
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!
There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.
If someone hits you over the head with a coffee cup, have you been mugged?
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
Velcro. What a ripoff.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Wherever you left it.
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.
I knew a guy that was addicted to brake fluid, but he said he could stop anytime.
Wanna hear a joke about a pizza?
Oh never mind it's too cheesy
[That's the problem pizza jokes - it's all in the delivery].
Why did the policeman smell bad?
He was on duty.
How does Jesus make tea?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
What kind of lock is on a hippie's door?
A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.
What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?